Transylvania 6-5000 review
It’s time for another Full Moon Feature and I have to be honest…I screwed up, guys. This one’s on me.
Classic movie reviews will contain spoilers.
Transylvania 6-5000
Directed by Rudy De Luca
Written by Rudy De Luca
Starring Jeff Goldblum, Geena Davis, Ed Begley Jr., Carol Kane, Michael Richards, Norman Fell, Joseph Bologna and John Byner
Transylvania 6-5000 Review
I know we have a lot of werewolf movies left to cover in these Full Moon Features. I’ve purposely left a few heavy hitters in the queue for a rainy day. But watching a movie like Transylvania 6-5000 can really make you question whether you should just end the whole practice altogether. It’s not completely the fault of this abysmal 1985 “horror-comedy”. It barely qualifies as a werewolf movie and should have been skipped over in favor of one of those rainy day films of known quality. Something about the fortieth anniversary made it an appealing selection. Besides…it stars a young Jeff Goldblum. How bad could it really be?
It turns out Transylvania 6-5000 could be very bad. A comedy with no laughs. A monster mash with no fun. A surprisingly solid cast wasted on what feels like a script written on the fly. Not the Jeff Goldblum/Geen Davis The Fly that would arrive a year later. Though both actors are in this one too. What’s barely in this one is a werewolf. That’s on me. I should have vetted the movie before deciding to sit through it. At least a wolf man does appear…kind of. I’ve actually watched two movies that I thought were about werewolves where they never appeared at all.
In the case of Transylvania 6-5000…its wolf man is explained away as a hair condition. Which means there is no werewolf lore or transformation scenes or animal action to cover in this Full Moon Feature. Though it’s not really a werewolf movie…I’m sticking to the plan to cover it here because the world needs to know how bad this movie is.
It’s a shame, really. There is an incredibly easy version of this that would work. An Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein update with Jeff Goldblum and Ed Begley Jr. could have been something. Even if, as happens in Transylvania 6-5000, the monsters end up being non-monsters. Goldblum and Begley are charming enough to pull off a fine faux-monster mash movie. You can picture them walking through a creepy castle and running into a variety of not-so spooky specters. That’s not what we get in Transylvania 6-5000. Honestly, I don’t know what the intention of this movie was.
The plot involves two tabloid employees sent off to Transylvania to investigate Frankenstein. They know it’s a ridiculous task but it’s a living. Imagine their surprise when they come across Frankenstein’s Monster, The Wolf Man, a Mummy and a sexy vampire played by Geena Davis. Now there’s a story to get to the bottom of! Eventually. Goldblum and Begley spend most of Transylvania 6-5000 wandering around town doing light crowd work. There isn’t a laugh to be found…but they are easy to watch. That’s the highlight of the movie. Watching two charismatic guys not being funny.
The supporting cast is entirely wasted. Carol Kane, Michael Richards, Norman Fell…Jeffrey Jones before we found out. That’s more than enough talent to make a watchable movie. Transylvania 6-5000 fails to do so at every turn. The truth is…the likability of Goldblum and Begley is all there is to hold on to here. It’s enough to keep it out of “worst movie ever made” territory. But not enough to pull it out of “bad movie” territory. Leonard Maltin once gave this movie a one word review. “Stinks” is what he settled on. It was the 80s and there were standards and practices that had to be adhered to on network television. We have no such restraints here on this website in 2025 so I will opt for a different word. “Shit.”
Oh…I suppose I should spare at least a moment contemplating the non-werewolf aspects of the film. To keep appearances for the sake of the Full Moon Feature. The Wolf Man here is named Larry Malbot. Get it? Like Lawrence Talbot? That’s the kind of thoughtfulness and effort you can expect to find throughout Transylvania 6-5000. His storyline, brief as it may be, is related to a gypsy. So, they’ve taken a few cues from the Universal Monsters version. But this isn’t a movie about reporters running into real monsters so the fun, and relevance to this article, end there. The Wolf Man costume looks like a hairy dog. Hair covers every facial feature. Given the effort put into the rest of the movie…probably a better choice than makeup. He’s played by Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds. Which is the most interesting thing about him. I made a mistake.
Scare Value
I aimed for werewolf movie and landed on completely unfunny 80s comedy. The cast deserved better. Well…maybe not all the cast. But Goldblum and Begley certainly could have lent their charm and talents to something more worthy of them. The only thing of interest in this non-monster rally is seeing how far a movie can be taken based on Goldblum’s charisma alone. The answer is…not as far as you’d think. But still probably farther than most people could have taken it. Not a werewolf movie. My apologies. Actually…Rudy De Luca owes us all the apology. Did you know he used to work with Mel Brooks? After watching Transylvania 6-5000 that doesn’t seem possible.
1.5/5
Transylvania 6-5000 Links
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