Terror Train (2022) review.
Free streaming platform Tubi gave us a remake of Terror Train for Halloween last year. They then pumped out a surprise sequel in time for New Year’s Eve. Did the first movie warrant a continuation? Well…no…but….it isn’t without its charms.
New movie reviews will not contain spoilers.
Terror Train (2022)
Directed by Phillipe Gagnon
Written by Ian Carpenter and Aaron Martin
Starring Robyn Alomar, Mary Walsh, Nadine Bhabha and Tim Rozon
Terror Train (2022) Review
We’re neither pro nor anti remakes here at Scare Value. Some of the best horror movies are remakes. The Thing and The Fly always being the go-to examples. We also see a heavy volume of crap shoveled out because they can slap a popular name on it and try to make money. The ones that leave the worst impression are the remakes that have nothing new to say at all. Terror Train (2022) doesn’t have an original thought in its head until near the end of the film. It’s not a full-on Gus Van Sant Psycho shot for shot pointless exercise…but it does leave you asking only one question when the credits roll. Why did someone make this?
Terror Train (2022) has the exact same plot as the original movie. If you’ve never seen the original movie…go ahead and watch that instead. It’s playing for free on Tubi…where you have to go to watch the remake. Just go ahead and click the old one. The original Terror Train isn’t a great movie as it is…it’s more famous for being one of Jamie Lee Curtis’s post Halloween Scream Queen movies than for being a classic of the genre. Remaking it isn’t the worst idea. Remaking it without purpose wasn’t the best one.
Kills are mostly underwhelming in Terror Train (2022). There’s a lack of suspense even if you’ve never seen the 1980 version that it’s copying. It does do something different eventually…but by then you’ve figured that out (it’s just copying other movies) and it certainly doesn’t justify the movie’s existence. Terror Train (2022) feels like one of those SyFy original monster movies…just as a slasher movie. It feels like an early 2000’s slasher movie…which also feel like one of those SyFy original monster movies.
All that being said…Terror Train (2022) somehow has enough charm to get by. When I say that it accomplishes this against all odds…take my meaning to be that I do not know how it does it. It shouldn’t work. Hell, it doesn’t work. Performances range from bad to eh…that’s fine. Blood and gore look cheap and always leaves you wanting more. The script avoids anything fresh, clever or interesting. And yet…I kind of enjoyed watching Terror Train.
There’s a good chance you’ll pop it on Tubi and think it’s terrible and a waste of your time. There’s no denying that this is a likely possibility, in fact. But I couldn’t get there. No matter that I’d seen it all done better. No matter that everything in the movie is done as fast and efficiently as they could do it. For whatever reason…Terror Train (2022) combines all these poor elements to become a charming little watch.
It’s also free. Which makes its existence even more befuddling. I won’t pretend to know how Tubi is going to grow with movies like Terror Train (2022) on their budget when you can, again, just watch the original on the same platform for the same price of nothing. But made it they did. In fact, they made two. In the highest mark of quality, Terror Train 2, hit Tubi within three months of this remake. Given that they share the same sets I’m going to assume they were shot at the same time. If it wasn’t for the fact that Part 2 has a (slightly) different plot…I’d assume it was compiled from deleted scenes. But that just means there’s a second flawed movie that I enjoyed watching despite itself. As you’ll learn when that review hits.
To sum up…if you like bad horror movies, watch Terror Train (2022). It’s kind of fun for reasons you’ll struggle to explain. I watched it back-to-back with the sequel…and I swear to you that if it was a trilogy, I’d have hit play on that one too. Is it good? No. Is it worth watching? …No. Should you watch it? No. Do I recommend watching it anyway? Kind of?
Scare Value
Most of Terror Train (2022) will leave you wondering why this movie exists. It spends 95 percent of its run time offering no new ideas of commentary than the original movie provided. When it does do something new it’s only a surprise because it follows the original so closely…not because it’s earned on its own merits. That said…there is something watchable about this remake. I’m not saying you should go out of your way to see it…but for a free original release it has a comfortability about it that elevates it above waste of time. It looks like fun was had making it…and you can feel some of that fun while watching.
Either way…Tubi immediately pumped out a sequel
2/5
Terror Train (2022) Link
Streaming on Tubi
Terror Train (2022) Trailer
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