Kill Her Goats review.
You know exactly what you’re going to get out of Kill Her Goats. Well…actually…I guess that’s not true. The movie makes some unforeseeable story decisions for reasons that are never explained. So, there’s that.
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Kill Her Goats
Directed by Steve Wolsh
Written by Steve Wolsh
Starring Arielle Raycene, Monica Sims, Ellie Gonsalves, Danielle Mathers and Kane Hodder
Kill Her Goats Review
I never quite figured out who Kill Her Goats was made for. Since the internet became commonplace horror movies that focus on scantily clad or nude characters have largely gone by the wayside. You don’t need to turn to see what Cinemax is airing at 1 am to get your fill anymore. It made sense in the 80s for nudity to be a selling point. In 2023? You probably can’t google where to watch a movie without something titillating popping up. I guess that makes Kill Her Goats a kind of throwback. Just a wholly unnecessary one.
There is a plot in Kill Her Goats, believe it or not. One that almost makes sense until the movie deploys the most out of nowhere twist in movie history. That’s not a compliment. Something happens that makes absolutely zero sense and has even less build up. It just…happens. In an instant. Without reason. It almost has to be seen to be believed. Almost.
Anyway…Audra (Arielle Raycene) buys an infamous house and invites her two best friends for a housewarming party. The Tupp House (as the movie hammers home repeatedly) was the site of some bad business. People are angry that Audra has moved in, and business is about to pick up again.
The first thing you’d imagine with this set-up is a creepy old gothic style house with shadowed corners and secret rooms. It’s just a modern house sitting on a beach. That’s the level of effort Kill Her Goats puts into itself. It also has one of those scripts where characters walk around talking to themselves in a way that no one in human history has ever done. Audra has to say things like “I think I’ll go into this room now” as she goes into the room. It’s funny in the most unintentional way.
I’m not going to bury the acting here even though it’s obviously bad. The script is total nonsense, and they were clearly prioritizing other assets in casting. Instead, I’ll focus on the positives. Kill Her Goats has a likable group who are clearly having a fun time.
Although I couldn’t figure out what the rules of Kill Her Goats were…it does have a couple pretty great looking antagonists. They’re called Goatface and Evil Batman…according to the on-screen text that pops up to name them, at least. They also brandish some badass weapons. Unfortunately, we never get to see those weapons used to full effect for budget reasons…but the movie does try to offer some decent post kill gore effects.
The problem with understanding what exactly is happening in Kill Her Goats starts when one of the characters appears to die in a dream. It doesn’t add up based on anything else that we learn about the killers. To be fair, you’re unlikely to care that it makes no sense by that point of the movie. If you are still in a place where story matters to you…you’re really going to lose your mind when that strange story turn happens.
The biggest problem with Kill Her Goats (and believe me…that’s saying something) is that absolutely nothing happens for like 40 minutes. It’s just three girls in a house delivering bad dialog. Well…that’s not entirely true. We do get what I believe to be a first in film history. A long shower scene directly followed by a long shower scene. I’ve never seen The Room…but these back-to-back sequences are what I think The Room is made of.
IT’s not enough that we have the back-to-back scenes…that’s not an odd enough choice. Kill Her Goats takes things a step further by having both showering women going out of their way to cover themselves up as the camera pans around them repeatedly. There’s plenty of nudity in Kill Her Goats…make no mistake. Showers appear to be the one place where nudity doesn’t happen. They’re also where we spent a lot of time in the first half of the movie. Maybe this was done on purpose as a comment on something. If it was…I didn’t get it. On paper it does read kind of funny. It doubles down a bit when one of the characters strips to look at herself in the mirror…and covers up again. At least it’s interesting, I guess.
After an interminable amount of time…something finally happens in Kill Her Goats. Our killers wreak havoc on Audra and friends. The killers do look good…I’ll give them that. There’s a reveal later in the movie that isn’t mysterious in any way since we have exactly one scene early in the movie with a character who is angry Audra has bought the house. You’ll never guess who is behind this. If you can guess how they manage to kill someone in their dream…let me know.
Before the reveal happens, however, Kill Her Goats just straight up introduces another character to make it all make what it considers sense. Audra’s sister arrives and the extremely unearned story turn comes soon after. I don’t know what happened to half of the characters who were in this movie. I watched this movie…I took notes…I couldn’t tell you. Some people die…others we just are never told what happened. They could be dead too…it’s very unclear.
When the credits roll (complete with more nudity) you’re left with the worst kind of questions. Questions you don’t care about. The kind that just annoys you. What did I just watch? Why was the lighting so bad on outdoor shots that characters appear to time travel hours back and forth for no reason? Why did they make this movie when people can see nudity whenever they want (including of the largely Playboy Playmate cast)? A series of bloopers play after the story is over. They showed a cast and crew that clearly had fun. I’m glad someone did.
Scare Value
If you go into Kill Her Goats expecting nudity and violence…you’ll get what you’re looking for. You have to sit through some incredibly long and boring scenes where nothing happens though. You’ll also have to put up with a story twist so strange and out of nowhere that you won’t know what to do with it. The kills aren’t anything to write home about despite some cool looking weapons and decent killer costumes. Luckily, you may be too busy rolling your eyes at the dialog to notice.
1.5/5
Kill Her Goats Links
Rent/Buy on VOD from Vudu and Amazon
Kill Her Goats Trailer
If you enjoyed this review of Kill Her Goats, check out Pillow Party Massacre or Night of the Killer Bears
